Tuesday, February 3, 2009

What I really think about during church.

Something that surprises me is the thoughts that wander through my head during the service. In seminary and before, I really thought I would have just holy thoughts, glorious reflections on the saving work of Jesus Christ displayed in the Holy Eucharist. I was going to have great thoughts. Yeah, well, I guess not...
1. Does this collar make me look like I have a double chin? Could liposuction suck that out? Why did I have to make such a big deal and tell people that they should not obsesss on outer beauty? Why did I laugh at people with plastic surgery? Now I have to live my life with a double chin because of my big mouth and foolish pride. Let me subtly reach up and check, dang it, that is a double chin!
2. I wonder what the dog is doing. I bet she is back on the couch. She is not supposed to be there, but she looks so cute sitting on the cushion.
3. "Flintstones, meet the Flintstones, what is the next lyric?"
4. Wow, he looks great this morning! Why did I vow to forsake all others? There is no good reason for that part of Holy Matrimony. Heck, is marriage even a sacrament? Focus.
5. Aagh, no, why did I wear this pair of underwear? They always ride up right when we get to the Sanctus.

4 comments:

Rob said...

3. "They're the modern-storic fa-mi-ly...

From the / town of Bedrock
It's a place right out of hi-sto-ry..."

Mh said...

through the courtesy of fred's two feet (is my favorite part)

pglm said...

hilarious....once when I was preaching i had to put my hands inside my robe and pull up my pants...I had lost weight and didn't think about what I was wearing under the robe and I grabbed them just before they fell....now how would you explain that in a congregation you were supplying for.....

Sextant said...

In my youth as catechism student and then a young communicant (fear not Lutheran) I used to have lot of number 4 thoughts except kicked up quite a few notches, notches hell, orders of magnitude by free flowing testosterone. I thought myself evil for it and therefore sure that my impure thoughts would lead me to an eternity in hell.

One Sunday we were having communion. I think we did differently than you folks. We sit, kneel, stand...sit, kneel, stand...sit, kneel, stand our sins to God and ask for genuine forgiveness with the promise that we will not do them again.

Down the pew from me sat a very nice 18 year old girl and she had a dress that was a good 6 inches below her knee. This was 1964. She also had black stockings and high heel shoes on.

"God forgive me for...oh man look at those legs...I have sinned."

Well this goes on I am praying, asking to be delivered from these impure thoughts...oh look how that dress hangs off her knees...and the terrible actions that those impure thoughts led to, ah man she crossed her leg. Please Oh Lord forgive, oh look she is patting her dress down her thigh. Lord I know there are three ways to sin, thought, word, and deed. I can't help myself.

So we have another few rounds of sit, kneel, stand. An then a final kneel, and sit.

OH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT. This wonderful beautiful girl has her eyes shut asking forgiveness that she only volunteered 40 hours this week at the hospital, instead of her usual 48, but with her eyes closed she was unaware that her dress had bunched up behind her lovely bum. The front of her dress had pulled up to about 6 inches above her knee and made a sharp angle down the side of her thigh up to her panties, which were black and lacy and a bit risqué for church. So I am treated to a life changing view of her upper thigh. Black stocking with that darker ring on the top, creamy white thigh, and these rather risqué panties. My heart stopped. I immediately was flushed with gallons of testosterone. All thoughts of God, sin, forgiveness, and eternal damnation fled, forced out by some big time x-rated impure thoughts...of the cardinal sin variation but we didn't have cardinal sins.

"My finger slides into the top of that stocking and begins exploring circumference, the creamy softness send molten heat down my spine. Her eyes fly open and she smiles, leans forward and kisses me, and then spreads her thighs a little wider. My fingers start to caress her inn...

ALL ARISE AND COME FORWARD AND RECEIVE THE SACRAMENT OF COMMUNION.

I stood there shaking in a testosterone overdose almost ready to slip into a coma. The pastor was glaring at me. I knew these impure thoughts were not going to stop. I did not go forward for communion that day.

Although I feared eternal damnation at the time, I have never repented for my impure thoughts for that girl, and I never will. I didn't ask God to feel that desire, I did not put those thoughts into my head. I suffered mightily with my sexuality in my teens. Burning unrequited desire that seared my Soul. Is suffering that sinful? If so guilty as charged. I have a lot to answer for, but my thoughts about that girl is not one of them.