Friday, December 18, 2009

A Litany for Advent

O Lord, as we await the yearly remembrance of your incarnation. We pray most fervently for your grace and favor in our petitions as may be best for us because we really, really need it.
Lord, hear our prayer.

O Lord, we are so super excited about the coming sales the day after Christmas. Please make the stores generous and our bank accounts ample.
Lord, hear our prayer.

O Lord, we thank you for the gift of your incarnation, but we ask for gift certificates for massages and pedicures at reputable establishments.
Lord, hear our prayer.

O Lord, let my skinny jeans still fit by Friday because of that hot date, and turn that chocolate into a carrot stick in body.
Lord, hear our prayer.

O Lord, you place the solitary in family. Why? They are driving us crazy. We are not sure how to interpret your reasoning on this one.
Lord, hear our prayer.

O Lord, we relish in the fruit of the vine. May we have really good wine this year at Grandma’s and not the cheap stuff.
Lord, hear our prayer.

O Lord, deliver us from all assaults of the devil, particularly Aunt Hilda’s tomato aspic and familial guilt.
Good Lord, deliver us.

O Lord, deliver us from back fat, muffin tops and cankles.
Good Lord, deliver us.

O Lord, deliver us from super crappy gifts like cheap stinky soaps and lotions, Christmas sweaters, and gag gifts.
Good Lord, deliver us.

O Lord, deliver us from drunk texting old boyfriends or guys we are interested in but it would be inappropriate and embarrassing if we heard about it on Monday.
Good Lord, deliver us.

O Lord, deliver us from mistletoe and men who remind us of Russian night club owners.
Good Lord, deliver us.

Finally O Lord, pour out upon us your most gracious favor. By that, we mean that we would like to eat until we burst with no consequences, kiss only hot fellows on New Years, and preach a kick ass sermon on Christmas Eve.
To thee, O Lord, our God.

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