Monday, June 28, 2010

I am not making this up

I am not making this up:

Christmas Eve, a couple wandered into the church and asked: “Can we get some holy water to go?” Uh, what? Some people open presents on Christmas Eve. Some people gather for dinner and drinks. I have no idea what they planned to do Christmas Eve, but I have a bad feeling about it.

During my ordination to the diaconate, I helped distribute the wine at Communion. When I needed to refill the chalice, I took the cup to the server with the extra wine. He refilled my cup and then licked the mouth of the cruet every time I refilled the cup. I am not sure if that is high church or low church. I just call it gross.

I was asked to be a pet bereavement chaplain. I started to laugh, but it was not a joke. Needless to say, that person never called me about that position again.

I buried a man’s ashes in his chicken yard. Really! He wanted to be buried near his beloved chickens. Did I mention that the chickens were fighting cocks?

First Sunday in the new parish, I dumped a full cruet of wine all over the altar. At another parish, I managed to pour wine down the front of one of the acolytes. I believe that people are starting to wear raincoats around me and are putting sippy cup tops on the chalices.

As a chaplain, a woman flashed me and said: "I am a eucharistic minister and this is where I keep my eucharistic powers." Whoa! I am wondering about who received communion from her. Somehow her methods seemed a little unorthodox, but it did appear to raise the heart rates of several patients.

I quoted Britney Spears in a sermon. I will let you figure out the Scripture. From the Rite One crowd someone asked: "Who is Britney Spears?"

These are only the ones I can tell you. The rest, well, those I only share over drinks.

9 comments:

LiturgyGeek said...

Once, a woman unbuttoned her shirt in my office to show me the areolae she'd had tattooed on after a mastectomy. This was after she related her ordination to the ministry, which had happened in a tattoo parlor.

DSM said...

I had a funeral where the friends of the deceased wanted a one-man band to play, "They All Axed for You." Unless you're from a Mardi Gras town, this will probably seem unfunny. But, picture Mr. Bojangles playing a song that includes the lyrics about fish drippins and buzzards inquiring about you. Here are the full lyrics. http://www.funkymeters.com/Chat/postings/1114.html
If you can actually listen to the song, please tell me how that compliments either Burial Rite.

preacherlady said...

"sippy cup tops on the chalices"...thanks for making me almost pee myself laughing! And I agree, "holy water to go" does sound ominous...

Joie said...

Okay, maybe not as shocking is the "You are SUCH a child!" response I got last night at a vestry meeting while articulating in a very gentle manner how the vestry is called to exhibit Christian behavior and love to the rest of the congregation.

Dr. J- said...

In a wedding-planning session: "Would it be ok if we just obscured the altar with a floral bower? We don't want anything to distract from the bride, you see..."

liturgy said...

I was once presiding at the midday Eucharist in an inner city church. Someone walked in at communion time, received the chalice, drank it completely, said "cheers", and walked out.

Trish said...

"Hit Me Baby One More Time" and the text was about offering both cheeks for people to slap. Am I right?

DSM said...

Ooh, I almost forgot about this one: my e-mail (that is, my offcial church e-mail) got a virus and sent out on the Diocesan Clergy listserve: "Sexy Japanese Lasses vs. Hot College Co-eds." It made for an interesting clergy gathering later that year.

MaryO said...

In one small parish I belonged to, the sacristan didn't read the label on the pita bread he bought _right_ before the service. As the presider ate the Bread at communion, she got a very odd look on her face. I was third (subdeacon), and after she said, "The Body of Christ" she stood there looking for my reaction.

Onion pita bread.

And the communion hymn, which was starting? "Breathe on me, Breath of God."