Since we're on the topic of things we aren't making up, a topic of debate in the Louisiana legislature included a bill in the last session about a citizen's right to bring a gun to church. Really, because Louisiana's current environmental, educational, and crime problems pale in comparison to a person's right to bring a gun to church. That is what our esteemed politicians should spend time debating.
People came out of the proverbial woodwork with arguments for and against, but I think so many people failed to see some of the real uses for a gun in church, including:
1) Making sure the preacher stays short and sweet. Sit a few pews back from the pulpit, and any time the preacher gets on a "love your enemy" jag or heads down that social justice path, just open your jacket so s/he can see the gun. That will shut down any references to the prophetic words of Jesus. And if a sermon goes over, say, ten minutes, just pull your gun out and let the sunlight shining through the stained glass glint off the black steel. The sermon will be over, just like that.
2) Keeping out those people. Anyone decides to visit your church with ideas of change? Just inform them that everyone likes things just as they are, and everyone carries a gun.
3) Adding some fun to communion. Just think how much your priests will appreciate the fun of passing out the body and blood of Christ, when they look up and see you coming forward to the altar rail with your gun held out, aiming at them. They'll laugh and laugh, after they change their vestments and learn how to breathe again. But trust me, in the end, they will think it's funny.
4) When you hug someone at the peace, tell them, "Yes, it IS a gun in my pocket."
5) If everyone brought a double-barrelled shotgun to church, the organist could finally do justice to the 1812 Overture. Said music would be very moving during the prayerful, reflective time before beginning worship.
6) Finally, worshippers would have protection against all the dangerous people that come to church on Sunday. We've all read the reports on the violence that breaks out between the sequence hymn and the reading of the Gospel, haven't we? And wasn't there a tragic incident where someone was accosted by an usher? Let's face it, Church is a dangerous place, with all that God-talk and dreaming of the kingdom language, we need protection.