Monday, April 25, 2011

Easter Monday Agenda...Dirty Sexy Ministry Style

Wake up.

Go back to sleep.

Realize your dog/cat/child is staring at you and even if you pretend to be asleep, they won't go away.

Get out of bed.  Walk the dog.  Feed the child.  Trip over the cat, who is most certainly involved in a plot to kill you in what will look like a random household accident.

Stare at the coffee maker.  After several moments, an Easter miracle where the coffee prepares itself won't happen.  Make coffee.

Sift through the pile of dirty dishes left undone through Holy Week that have not put themselves in the dishwasher - again!  Resolve to have a chat with the dishes about their slacking behaviour.  Where are singing teapots and plates when you need them? Find a mostly clean coffee cup.  Rinse out.  Fill with the nectar of life.  Sit down and drink morning coffee.  Realize you have absolutely nothing liturgical to do today.

Note that the house looks as if a small hurricane has hit it.  Put in call to magical cleaning fairies to do the three hundred piles of laundry, scrub the floors, and sort through the unopened mail, sermons, and Holy Week service bulletins on the dining room floor that you swept off to have Easter dinner on the table.

Watch television mindlessly.  Lindsey Lohan is in jail?  When did this happen?  Call BFF to catch up on latest celebrity gossip.  Realize she's a priest, too, and is as clueless as you are because Holy Week happens everywhere.

Take a cue from the cat and have a mid-morning nap.

Wake up.  Notice the magical cleaning fairies haven't replied to your request.  Send follow-up email.

Decide to eat lunch.  Stand in front of the refrigerator for several minutes, silently praying Martha Stewart has left a plate of lamb, braised asparagus, cold pasta salad and seventeen layer chocolate cake for dessert, along with a perfectly paired white wine.  She didn't.  Wonder if the remaining body of the chocolate Easter bunny is an appropriate lunch.

Eat the Easter bunny for lunch.  If you have children, hope they don't miss the chocolate bunny.  Decide to blame missing Easter bunny on spouse/dog/cat if the small inquisitors get testy.

Order pizza.  Eat two slices, realizing that bikini season is around the corner.

Take another  nap.

Magical cleaning fairies are apparently on strike.  Didn't get the memo, but didn't know about Lindsey Lohan, either.  Decide to log a complaint and clean yourself.

Vacuum the living room, but get sidetracked by The Real Housewives of Crazy-town marathon.  Dust will wait.  Catfights and botox like this will not.

Check email.  Read Perez Hilton's blog.  Ignore email that involves thought or reflection.  Brain still sleeping.

Remember that pizza eaten on Easter Monday doesn't have calories.  Eat the rest of the pizza.

Flip through a few magazines.  Note that clergy collars still have not made the spring "must-have" fashion list.  When, oh when, will Milan and Paris catch up to this nifty fashion trend of shapeless black blouses of polyester and plastic collars wrapped stylishly around one's neck?

Rummage through children's Easter baskets for more candy.

Use sugar high to load the dishwasher and clean one bathroom.

Crash from sugar high on the sofa.

Take nap.

Wake up.

Smile and realize that even on completely slacker days like this, you are loved by God.

Alleluia!  Christ is Risen!

10 comments:

  1. ROFL! Wonderful! My children were away from home by the time I was in full-time ministry, but Easter Monday still felt much like that :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOL ... wonderful post, and yes, I do believe the cat is plotting to kill me!!

    Blessings

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm currently on Sabbatical in England. While I respect the US separation of Church and State, I have to admit that having Easter Monday off (it's a national holiday) has been nice. I'm not a preist, but do sing the choir and 4 services in 4 days, plus rehearsals, was kind of a lot of time.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The sheer number of these that actually happened today is only part of the reason I laughed.
    Also, if anyone has the contact number for the cleaning fairies, please let me know. Or just send them my way.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This. Is. My. Life.
    Except substitute horribly awful I-needed-them-for-a-recipe-so-that's-why-they're-in-my-pantry double stuffed oreos for easter candy.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I had an Easter Monday almost exactly like that one ... and I'm thinking of having a similarly glorious Easter Tuesday

    ReplyDelete
  7. ...add house guests/Godparents of the 3 month old and you have my life! thanks. (They were very helpful actually- made Easter dinner and helped wrangle everyone!)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Last step: read Dirty Sexy Ministry blog and breathe enormous sigh of relief that you are not the only clergy person who spends Easter Monday in this very same manner.

    Then eat another chocolate bunny.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This was my first Easter Monday of retirement after 14 years of ministry life - and I'm so sorry to tell you....it felt almost the same! Maybe it was because I had my 90 year old mom with me all week who is slowly losing herself. Or maybe it was because we chose to visit other churches' Holy Week services. Or maybe it was because I spent ALL of Holy Saturday cooking for Easter Sunday - something I have not done in a very, very long time. At any rate, I was scrounging for the chocolate eggs in a bit of stupor myself. Sigh. LOVE this post and this blog - and I'd love it if I could subscribe by email somewhere. You can do it through Feedburner - I even managed to figure it out and that is saying somethin'.

    Diana at http://drgtjustwondering.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thank you so much for writing! I pray God continues to bless you big. I am still laughing!

    ReplyDelete