Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Inappropriate answers to interview questions


As I launch into the search process, I have been thinking a lot about interview questions and answers in the church. I hope you all enjoy!

Question: Tell us a little more about yourself.

Answer: Well, I am a big believer in gun control. Like, I really cannot have a gun. On the way over here, I would have shot out the tires of about forty cars.
Answer: I keep a taser in my purse and in my desk at the church. Want to see it?

Question: What is the most meaningful part of ministry for you?

Answer: Uh, let me see, that would be the relationships. I love the relationships, you know, with the hot guys, the repair guy for the copier. You know, you are kind of cute too. Has anyone ever told you that? What can I say; I am a lover of souls.
Answer: Really I am in this gig until I get that part on the Spanish version of The Young and the Restless. They call me “La Rubia.”
Answer: I like the part with the thingy. You know, with that cardboard tasting thing and the wine. Especially, the wine.

Question: What are your greatest strengths in ministry?

Answer: (Flex) These guns right here (kiss both biceps)! You don’t think that chalice holds itself up there on Sunday, do you?
Answer: That would be this moneymaker right here (point to your face). I moisturize every night. I get facials twice a month. I exfoliate every other day. Why aren’t you writing this down?
Answer: It has to be my humility. I mean I am constantly getting humiliated. People say terrible, cruel things to me, and I just take it. You know why? Because they are all true (burst into tears now).

Question: What are your greatest weaknesses in ministry?

Answer: I just do so darn much. I strive for perfection. I also work too hard. Why are you rolling your eyes?
Answer: I have no weaknesses! How dare you ask me such an insolent question! Kneel before me before I destroy you!

Question: Why do you feel called to this place?

Answer: Your church is the closest one to the Dairy Queen. Did I tell you that I love the Dairy Queen?
Answer: I am going to lay this on the line. I am not getting any younger, and neither is this congregation. We are both in a desperate situation. You are not getting any better than me. Did I also mention that I like the drapes in the rector’s office?
Answer: You guys seem pretty cool, so I am, like, cool. Okay?

17 comments:

Rev. Jeremy Smith said...

This made my day. You earned yourself a new reader, and I haven't even read any other blog posts yet. Ha!

Jeni Lee said...

Would you consider a position in The United Methodist Church? We have a position at our church you are totally qualified for.

Lauren said...

Exactly! We must have been talking with some of the same people over the last several years.

Rebecca said...

LOVE this! So funny!

emb said...

I especially like the cardboard thingy, and the exfoliating. What a metaphor for, um, something! I think you've got a sure thing here with these answers. And if, for some reason, it doesn't work out, we can hit the unemployment office together! ;-)

Crimson Rambler said...

falling off my chair laughing. I've been interviewed, and I've been interviewer, and I'm laughing in part to keep from cringing.
Rock on!

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

I thought sure one of your answers would be - in German accent - "I lift things up and put them down". (Like that commercial about the gym).

Very, very funny. Thanks for the laugh.

johnieb said...

I would so love to be on that search committee!

Barbara said...

My pastor just sent me a link to your blog. Today. I must thank you for the tips! Though I'm currently under care of my judicatory, I'm looking forward to the day when I will be interviewed. I just know I'll be referring to, you know, that thingy!

jevcat said...

While not a priest, I have been out of work and job-searching for 18 months, and oh, I can so relate! Thanks for a needed chuckle.

Mary O'Shaughnessy said...

Maybe tasers should be handed out at ordinations along with the Bible.

Madhu said...

Hi here some interview questions...it might be helpful for you.

Interview Questions

burntoutgradstudent said...

this is EFFIN awesome. JesusJosephMaryBuddha&Mohammed bless you two.

ToilNotSpin said...

I am a member of a church in South Carolina (small kind of sweet town) that is looking for a priest. Actually I'm on the Search Committee and would very much like to e-mail you about this. If you go to my Google profile and click on my e-mail perhaps we can discuss this--we now someone like FAST.

Hope to hear from you soon!

kiran said...

Great answers. I think how to phase these type of interviews questions. Thanks for given answers. Really your blog very helpful for job seekers.

Interview Questions

Job Interview Questions said...

I just know I'll be referring to, you know, that thingy..

Job Interview Questions

Job Interview Questions said...

I just know I'll be referring to, you know, that thingy...

Job Interview Questions