Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Television Viewing at the Beach

Vacation invites your friendly neighborhood bloggers to watch television shows that we would normally ignore or skip over for Masterpiece Theatre, The Vicar of Dibley or various documentaries that enlighten and engage us.  But, we're on vacation, turning into slugs, and seeing what's on while the rest of the world is working.

Oh, the horror.  The horror.  But we're sharing anyway because that's one of the many services we offer.  We've done the viewing work so you don't have to.

1.  Basketball Wives.  We are withholding our normal sassy viewpoints for fear that a few of these women will hunt us down or become members of our parishes.  We'll say this:  they scare us, which may explain why almost all of them are really ex-wives.  They do wear amazing earrings, though.  

2.  The Dirty Harry Movie Marathon.  We at Dirty Sexy Ministry love Dirty Harry.  The 70's clothing and hairstyles and cars (anyone else have memories of a parent or grandparent's car that had a back seat big enough to fit seventeen kids with nary a seat belt?).  We love the sass and attitude.  And face it, haven't most of us secretly wanted to say, "Well do ya feel lucky punk?  Well do ya?" to the person who cut in front of us in the cashier's line and who seems surprised that they have to pay for their merchandise, thus spending forty minutes fumbling through their purse or rucksack for what apparently is the smallest wallet ever, all while talking loudly on the cell phone about the new nail polish and flip flops they just found in the store.  

3.  Law and Order and their various incarnations.  If you've read this blog, this show comes as no surprise.  We love you, Sam Waterston.

4.  Ghost Hunters.  Why hunt for a ghost at 2:00 am with shaky cameras and a tape recorder?  Why not high noon?  Do ghosts work union hours?  And, as a practical matter, don't watch this before going to bed.  Even big girls might leave the bathroom light on.  And by the way, it's a stupid shadow, not a ghost.  And EVP's sound suspiciously like static.  We're just saying.

5. Home Shopping Network.  Are we the only people who didn't know you could buy hair extensions off the television that would add luscious layers and length overnight with a few clips and snaps?  And some magic make-up that gives you perfect skin with a twirl and buff?  And clothing with applique unicorns?  How have we missed this?

6.  EWTN, which has a show that seems to be an evangelical Christian version of The View.  Okay, The View is annoying enough.  Imagine a particle-board table and some plastic plants in a studio with Christian women taking questions about what advice the Bible gives about relationships.  Scintillating is not the word.  Did you all know that the Bible says women should wear make-up?  Neither did we.  We're writing a letter of complaint to our scripture professors in seminary when we get back.

7.  This horrible game show with a repo man asking questions of people.  We missed the title, but the essence of this gem of charity and kindness has the host asking questions which aren't gimmes of people standing around in various degrees of dress and spandex who didn't seem to be smarter than a fifth grader.  If they got a wrong answer, the tow truck ratcheted up the car (several were Trans-Ams).   Too many wrong answers, and the Repo Man got the car.  Enough right answers, and they could keep the Trans-Am.  We didn't see anyone keep the car.

8.  Taken.  Two words:  Liam Neeson.  We can be reached through this blog should he want to meet either of us.

9.  The Narcissist Network, also known as the Oprah Winfrey Network.  While we both think the documentary about Chaz Bono was profoundly interesting and insightful about the physical and emotional journey trans-sexuals make, the shows about Sarah Ferguson, Shania Twain, and several others just seemed a bit too self-serving.  Put on a show about a single mother who works three jobs to make sure her children have a safe place to live and food to eat.  Women who have Swiss chalets don't really pull our heartstrings.  Yes, we're mean.  But we're still scared of the basketball wives.  And we want NO grief about not loving all things Oprah.  

10.  Bring It On.  Sometimes a girl just wants to be a cheerleader.  

3 comments:

Maria said...

I totally agree with you on #9. God save us all.

Watercolor said...

You didn't watch ANY of the Real Housewives series??? True awesome brain rot tv at its shocking best/worst. What about Bridezillas???? Geez. Your bad tv needs a makeover. lol ;-)

emb said...

I don't know about HSN, but if you get Liam Neeson, I get Shania Twain! ;P