Friday, March 8, 2013

Substance

Yesterday I joined Weight Watchers. I did it for real this time. I actually committed to buying the membership, and not just popping in until I lose about five pounds and disappearing. So the challenge begins this week of committing to exercise and recording every morsel I pop into my mouth.

I actually started to notice the weight a few months ago, but I wanted to ignore it. At the time, I was busy on the job search, writing a book, raising a daughter, living. Clothing felt a little tight, and then they felt obscenely small. Finally I stepped onto the scale, horrified by the number.

Wow, that number is high! Part of me fills with terrible panic. How will I ever lose this weight? Where did it all come from (because there is so much of it)? Another part of me looked in the mirror and shrugged. Perhaps I could pull off wearing sweat pants with my tunic clergy shirt. That's right, I have one of those tunic clergy shirts, little sister of the Mu mu. Anyway.

So, I have started with some exercise and portion control. I have also been reflecting on how I gained this substantial weight. Then this thought came to me, I am more substantial now. I have more substance, maybe that substance is filled with olive oil and cream cheese, but I do have more substance.

Perhaps I needed more substance to weather the storms in my life. I needed a little more weight within myself so I could stay on my feet when the wind blew. I realize now how much stronger I feel now. I feel more confidence because I went through a difficult time. I felt frightened and I was shaken, but I was not left alone. I changed.

I learned more than I have ever learned in easier times. I changed from who I was. I used to be very naive, but I am wiser now. I had to confront truths about myself that I did not want see, and once I knew the truth, I had to transform. Part of me mourns that woman, but the more substantial part realizes that I needed to grow up.

While I do not wish to go through another rough patch, I know that I will, but I will have more substance, more in my reserves to survive and thrive again.

So, I am a woman of substance, and I am working on it!

6 comments:

Herry watson said...

Very nice post! I really enjoyed it. Especially when there is a discussion about tunic clergy shirts and sweat pants. It will be an inspiration for the people who want to lose their weight.

Sheldon Curry said...

Congrats on a brave post. It’s not easy to be publicly forthright, tho you already know that, given the breadth of honesty and “up-front-ness” in "Where God Hides Holiness". (Which I loved by the way.) Navigating life’s white water is real world risky - and comes with no theme park guarantees you’ll come out safe ... but you’ve made it this far. On to the next chapter of the quest for you and daughter who, as you know, is learning how she will navigate white water from you. It’s good to read you again.

Laura Nelson-Lof said...

Amen, Kindred Spirit. I rejoined WW three weeks ago. I've been unlearning the unhealthy coping mechanism of emotional eating, something that I learned as a child. Effective, but not healthy. And now that I've navigated the waters of PTSD and emotional abuse, it's time to unlearn that behavior that doesn't serve me. Your perspective has allowed me to see my coping mechanism as not something to be ashamed of, but rather something that a little girl found to be like body armor. Now it is time to love myself and honor myself fully and completely. When I started a few weeks ago, I realized that it was 75 weeks until my 50th birthday. I began to think that I could realistically lose an average of a pound a week between now and July 2014. And my goal, 75 by 50 was born. I'm blogging about my journey myself on WW online. Feeling healthy and full of energy feels pretty darned amazing, doesn't it? Keep us updated as you feel comfortable and thank you again for your perspectives!

Raewynne J. Whiteley said...

Love this! I saw an obscenely high number on the scales in early January, and found 20 people to sponsor me $1 for every pound I lose, to be donated to Episcopal Relief and Development. I've lost 11 pounds so far using the LoseIt app on my phone - but the real motivation is knowing that as well as helping my health, it will help others in need. ANd re the sweatpants, last year I bought my first ever pair of knit work pants and love them, but have to admit that when I'm not enjoying feeling like I'm wearing pajamas, I feel a bit blobby in them.

Pastor Dwight said...

congrats on the journey. I'm working on a similar path. I found your blot through Thom Shurman or Tom Shurman. I look forward to reading more from you and your partner in blogging. Peace of Christ be with you.

Cat Munz said...

I am so with you on this WW journey. I don't tend to be a very "out there" person when it comes to my personal life. But down 15 since the start. Have fallen off a couple of times, and rallied back into the meeting seat where everyone else knows what I'm talking about. I'm with Laura in the above post. I have a 60yrs rolling around and like wow, down 60? That is a good goal, along with the 35 before I escort a group to Iona this summer. One step at a time, one day, and one WW meeting.
Thanks for sharing.